Siao one

Short post before I go sleep.

I ordered Mcdelivery.

Suddenly I received 5 smses!

Yes, I got it, you "be reching soon".

Before I even have time to read all the (grammatically incorrect) messages on my frazzled phone, he called me and announced that he is at the door.

When Mike finally got the to door, he (Mike) told me that the delivery was giving him this du lan face.

Like hello? You rushing go where sia??? Deliver more shit?

And isn't it dangerous to be sending out smses on a motorbike?

AND AND........ WHY MUST I STANDBY AT MY DOOR FOR YOU AH??? I take as long as I want to answer the doorbell, goddamn it!

Actually I am not angry lah... I'm just quite amused. Why 5 smses?

Maybe within Macs also got F1 race, then the delivery guys were all competing to see who can deliver the most McNuggets within 61 trips?

The bestest blog entry

With regards to my latest Plasticzilla entry, I've basically received these (bad) remarks:


1) Xiaxue you are just jealous. Because even without plastic, Dawn looks better than you.


Ans:

You are 100% right. Ok la maybe 80%, because I am not actually jealous. The point is, so? At least, I can safely say I never tried as hard as she did. :)


2) Omg you are so mean! How would you like it if someone also dug up your old ugly photos and posted them?

Ans:

Honestly, I don't care.

I don't!

You think to yourself, what the fuck man, you are just saying this because nobody has exposed your ugly photos.


In order to prove how much I don't give a shit about what you people (and that includes 30,000 of you) think of my looks, I am hereby going to show you an array of my ugliest IC photos - with a timeline from 13 years old to 23 years old.


If I don't care about what people think of my looks, why do I photoshop? Because 1) it is an art that I enjoy doing and 2) it makes ME happy to see prettier photos.

What is appearance? What is image? I cannot be arsed as long as people I love love me... shortness, squatness, lumpiness and all. As for looks, as long as the man I love is attracted to me, that's all that's enough. :) Plus,I am satisfied with the way I look! Not 100% mind you, but it's good enough.


However, just posting goddamn ugly photos does not constitute a bestest blog entry - just a mildly entertaining one.

Therefore, I am additionally going to PHOTOSHOP these horrendous photos into fake but gorgeous versions of me!! MUAHAHAHAHA

Prepare... TO BE IMPRESSED. And horrified.

Age 2

A joke lah! This is obviously not ugly.

In fact, here I am, zhao-genging happily, and I think, relatively cute!

I don't know what happened to me during teenage years to become so goddamn ugly.

How did my mother love me???

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Age 13, Sec 1

Single eyelids, humongous nose, centre-parting and a flabby jawline.

To add insult to injury, there are also green ink splotches staining the picture.

Could you blame me for wanting a nose job with that nose? HONESTLY??

Photoshop magic:

Woah! Suddenly got chio blue eyes!


The eyelids are a bit fake-looking though, coz for this pic I actually DREW it on. Just to try and see how it will turn out.

Got tiara somemore!

Side by side:






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Age 14, sec 2

Bah. My act ah-lian age.

Eyebrows shaved into a thin, straight line...

Fringe cut by myself, and one side of hair tucked behind ear. To create what look, I don't know. Maybe lop-sidedness was in?

Anyway I wore a SHIRT coz ah lians wore shirts then. :D

At this point, trying very hard to get double eyelids by sticking tape everyday.

Photoshop magic:

No more asymmetrical hair! Got ribbon somemore!

I like what I did to the lips.


Side by side:





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Age 15, sec 3

Wah lau eh cannot stand it. Sibeh act chio.
Eyes really opened to the max.


Photoshop magic:




Nothing photoshop can do about the "act chio"ness.

The hair looks spastic but better than before...


Side by side:





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Started to get bad case of acne...



Age 16, sec 4

Yikes.
Nothing photoshop can do to save this eyes-half-closed photo, you exclaim.
You are wrong!


Photoshop magic:



I had to liquify the eyes until I almost died.


Side by side:







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Worst of the lot:


Age 16, sec 4

Greasy, sallow and pimply... I look so dirty! Reminds me of Professor Snape with the curtains of oily black hair... Eww!!

Don't blame me, blame the hormones, ok!

How come last time when I look like that still got people wanna be my friends?? Eekean!!!!!!!! *Leans close to Eekean with pulsating pimples*

Photoshop magic:



How did I do it?! I am so bloody talented!
Got healthy glow leh!!

Side by side:




Finally got out of secondary school!


Time for make-up!!


Age 17

You all saw this already.
Is it possible to save the eyes?


Photoshop magic:



Look a little startled but still much better than before!

Cloned my hair so that it doesn't look like some weird wind blew it to one side.


Side by side:





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Age 18

Finally, after years of painstakingly sticking on double eyelid tape almost daily, I developed double eyelids!

I also found out about mascara and started abusing it.

ZA's foundation, however, does not seem to be able to cover my zits...

Photoshop magic:



Chio!

Side by side:





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A few months later, with my hair a tad longer, I went back to the same place to take another picture.

Age 18

I fucking HATE my huge nose! Thank god it's like heaved into half now. I love you Dr Huang!!!

Somehow my eyebrows became nicer though, and I learned that you could shade your nose bridge... (although that didn't work out coz it made the nose look larger than godzilla's ass)

Also, I think I look like someone who will steal your husband. Why ah? Is it the chubbiness and slanty eyes?

Photoshop magic:



Much easier to edit with make up on. Reduced nose by 20000%.


Side by side:





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Age 20

This is not an IC photo but somehow it's inside my pile of IC photos so I included it in!

Complexion cleared up and I now have long hair! Yay for long hair!

Photoshop magic:



Nothing much, just made jawline sharper and nose smaller.


Side by side:





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Age 22

Still pre-nose job... Except now I have better eye make up.

What is it about IC photos that makes your nose so big??!

Photoshop magic:



Much chioer!

Side by side:





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Age 23, Year 2008

Post nose job. I know it still looks kinda big, but it is already much smaller!!!

This is an unedited photo taken with my digicam for the purpose of my expiring passport!

I just so happened to have a glorious tan that day. Woohoo!

Photoshop magic:




Made nose smaller and jaw sharper as usual.

So... The question you all have been dying to ask me:

"HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

Pure talent! Hahaha... No lah... I mean, yes, I am awesome at photoshopping (people), but of course, 90% of the credit goes to the tool liquify!

I also use burn around the eyelids... dodge to create the "coloured" eyes. I change the hues and contrasts, and add lash and hair brushes...

For rouge on the cheeks I simply use the brush tool (colour pick the lips). See? I am so nice, I share!

Let's have a little contest!

Let me pick my ugliest photo...

Ahh.... this one:




Can you try to also photoshop this
and make it chio?!

Send me your work and if the response is good enough I shall post up your artwork (plus link, if you wish) on another blog entry!!

Please don't be childish and make it uglier hor. It is already so ugly, don't need your help, thanks.

Send to xiaxue@gmail.com!

Credits to the various photoshop brushes of hair, accessories and eyelashes I downloaded from deviantart.com. I am sorry I can't credit the real creator as I have so many brushes I don't know who created what!

UPDATE:

83 PHOTOSHOP ENTRIES RECEIVED!

Please stop sending in anymore as I am compiling them up. Thanks for the effort guys!! :) :)

New videos!

XIAXUE'S GUIDE TO LIFE



Bff challenge no 2! It involves a bikini!
Who would be the best?


CHICK VS DICK

Wondering how Kaykay and Paul did their magic challenge last week?
Bonus video! Finally, a magic trick that gets explained!!

Paul makes Kay kay say some truly nasty things in this one.
Don't believe me? Go watch!


CRACK COMEDY



Should Singapore have more homeless people?
It does seem like they are quite entertaining!


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Happiness! Tomorrow I'm gonna see Lewis Hamilton! Thanks Nuffnang!!

Mike's birthday is just over and I bought him a black DS Lite and Xbox's Grand Theft Auto. Total only $300++, but he is very touched!! Hehehehe...

We went to eat a nice dinner and had melting chocolate cake with ice cream... You know the kinda cake that is warm and a bit crusty outside and the inside is molten chocolate?

Mike told me that he is gonna totally marry me if I can bake that for him, so please provide me the recipe if you have one!! Hahaha!

The previous entry is not my bestest entry ever lah... Kua kua... Now I a bit regret saying that coz I am thoroughly scared it is not up to standard... Maybe tomorrow I shall post it.

Go watch the videos!


p/s: How?!! Nanolove is totally bullying poor Picolove!! I checked and both don't have injuries leh... Should I only start worrying when there are?

Poor Pico... Keeps getting pushed off the wheel by fatass Nano!

My idol

Boo! Some people have been telling me that Dawnie called me an evil shortie! But there was no names mentioned, so she can't possibly have been referring to me, can she? Since she does not do mud-slinging, right?

Anyway, I recently had a revelation. My revelation is that I oughta be kind and benevolent. Therefore, I have decided to forgive Dawn for attempting to sue me, and to go to the other extreme.

That's right. I am now her biggest fan!!!

Hurray!

Afterall, what's there not to like? Her beautiful talented style of writing, her Eurasian face, her naturally big boobs, her 100% honest and god-loving demeanour. Loves!

Since I am now Dawn's biggest fan, I'd love to show my sincerity, fandom and remorse by sharing with you all my personal collection of Dawn memorabilia....

Hold your breath people!

Her most gorgeous photos, all combined into one long, eye-boggling blog entry! Yums!

These photos are mostly taken from forums, other people's facebook or photo albums, but some are from the goddess's blog herself.

I've taken the liberty to increase the contrast and size in some pictures so that we can all admire Dawn in her fullest glory. But I assure you I never photoshopped any!

Our beautiful princess in 1997

Credits to Gssq for his pictures, which has been pilfered all over the place.

Her in JC






Pretty...





























In between her transformation from an innocent school girl to ultra beauty.






Lucky Dawn, her eyelids so deep-set naturally... Sigh






FHM cover girl! Gorgeous...




And her more recent photos...




Sexy. I love the slanted nose and chin.





Life is unfair...

Dawn's arms and chest so fair, why mine so black?











Plagiarising is hard work












































Love the cleavage











Love the sharp chin

















Your boobs are so big Dawn! But I have a question...



How come the lines on the wall beside them are so wavy?
I've added a pink straight line for comparison's sake.

Why ah??

*scratch head*















These pictures are taken off Dawn Wayang.


I have blurred out the words
because they are so hurtful towards my idol.

Last photo:



My favourite... Her smile lights up an entire room!

So what do you say, Dawn? Truce? I posted up so many chio photos of you leh!

I am sincere in being your fan!

And you all ah! Please do not accuse Dawn of plastic surgery, ok?!

It is 100% clear she didn't do her nose, eyes, chin and forehead!

What do you mean you are not interested in Dawn shit anymore? It's my blog and I shall post my idol's photos if I want to!



Postnote: Le sigh! Why you all ask me to lay off Dawn? You all have misunderstood me and my purely good intentions!

This entry is not about "exposing her plastic surgery", which has been done by many other malicious and horrible people. Lies! Anyway I won't blog what other people has blogged before already hor... That's just lame.

This entry is to pay tribute to her natural good looks, which, according to her, came from her Eurasian ancestry. Such a sexy god's gift to men and gay women....

Since, as Dawn once so coyly said, she has no idea why she is named the hottest blogger, I've decided to show her why via sharing my very precious photo collection of her!

Instead of appreciating it, I get scolded! Boo!!

I'm being nice ok!

And if you don't like the content on my blog please don't insult my idol or me ok! Go read something else!

(Btw in case you think someone is very piteous, think again. Out of nowhere, calling me an evil shortie? Did I start this???? HELLO??? I am not angry, but I must show that I want a truce by showing LOVE mah!)